Terms & Conditions

1. Preamble and Foundational Declarations

WHEREAS, the party of the first part (hereinafter referred to as "Capital Axioms," "we," "us," "our," "the Service," "the Platform," "the Newsletter," "the Publication," "the Entity," "the Organization," or "that thing you signed up for") operates a digital newsletter service dedicated to the dissemination of financial commentary, satirical observations, and general musings about the nature of capital markets, human psychology, and the eternal folly of attempting to predict the unpredictable;

AND WHEREAS, the party of the second part (hereinafter referred to as "you," "the Subscriber," "the User," "the Reader," "the Recipient," "the Individual," "the Person Who Clicked Subscribe," or "someone who presumably has better things to do") has expressed interest in receiving said communications through the voluntary submission of electronic mail credentials and payment information;

AND WHEREAS, both parties acknowledge that the intersection of money, markets, and human emotion has historically produced outcomes ranging from the mildly amusing to the catastrophically absurd;

NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the mutual covenants, promises, representations, warranties, conditions, and agreements contained herein, and for other good and valuable consideration, the receipt and sufficiency of which are hereby acknowledged by each party, the parties agree as follows, notwithstanding any prior agreements, understandings, negotiations, or representations, whether written, oral, implied, imagined, dreamed, or communicated through interpretive dance.

2. Comprehensive Service Description and Philosophical Framework

Capital Axioms operates as a satirical and commentary newsletter service, meaning that the content provided should be understood within the context of artistic expression, social criticism, and the grand tradition of using humor to illuminate uncomfortable truths about human nature and financial markets.

The Service provides daily electronic mail communications delivered approximately fifteen (15) minutes prior to the opening bell of major United States securities exchanges, specifically at or around 9:15 AM Eastern Standard Time (EST), or Eastern Daylight Time (EDT) during applicable periods of daylight saving time observation, on days when said exchanges are open for regular trading sessions, excluding federal holidays, exchange holidays, days of national mourning, unexpected closures due to technical difficulties, acts of God, acts of nature, acts of Congress, or any other circumstances that might prevent the normal functioning of capital markets.

The content of these communications is generated through a proprietary methodology that we have developed over many years of careful observation, rigorous analysis, and extensive contemplation of the fundamental absurdity of attempting to predict the behavior of millions of humans making billions of decisions based on incomplete information, emotional impulses, algorithmic triggers, and the occasional tweet from a billionaire.

It is essential that Subscribers understand that our methodology, while guaranteed to prevent losses in a very specific and technically accurate sense that will become clear upon receipt of our first communication, should not be confused with actual investment advice, financial planning, wealth management, portfolio optimization, or any other service that might reasonably be expected to help you make money.

3. Extended Disclaimer Regarding Investment Advice and Financial Guidance

Let us be absolutely, unequivocally, incontrovertibly, and redundantly clear about this point, as it forms the cornerstone of our entire operation and the foundation upon which our legal defense strategy rests:

NOTHING—and we cannot stress this enough—NOTHING contained in our newsletters, emails, communications, website content, social media posts, carrier pigeon messages, smoke signals, semaphore flags, interpretive dances, or any other form of information transmission currently known to humanity or yet to be invented, constitutes actual investment advice.

We are not registered investment advisors. We are not broker-dealers. We are not financial planners. We are not certified public accountants. We are not tax attorneys. We are not fiduciaries. We are not fortune tellers. We are not psychics. We are not in possession of a time machine that allows us to see future stock prices. We do not have access to insider information. We do not have a magic eight ball that actually works. We do not have a crystal ball. We do not have a ouija board connected to the spirit of Benjamin Graham.

If you are seeking actual investment advice, we strongly encourage you to consult with a qualified financial professional who has passed the appropriate examinations, obtained the necessary licenses, submitted to regulatory oversight, and agreed to act in your best interest—none of which applies to us, as we are essentially a comedy newsletter with delusions of profundity.

The fact that our marketing materials may use phrases such as "guaranteed," "never lose money," "100% success rate," or similar language should be understood within the context of satirical commentary on the financial services industry's tendency to make promises it cannot keep. We, unlike those we satirize, are making promises we can technically keep, albeit in a way that may not align with your initial expectations.

4. Detailed Subscription Terms, Pricing Structure, and Payment Obligations

By subscribing to Capital Axioms, you agree to enter into a recurring payment arrangement structured as follows:

4.1 Free Trial Period: New subscribers shall receive a complimentary trial period lasting seven (7) calendar days, during which full access to the Service shall be provided without charge. This trial period commences upon successful registration and submission of valid payment credentials. The trial period consists of one hundred sixty-eight (168) hours, or ten thousand eighty (10,080) minutes, or six hundred four thousand eight hundred (604,800) seconds, whichever measurement you find most impressive.

4.2 Subscription Fee: Following the expiration of the free trial period, subscribers shall be charged the sum of nineteen dollars and ninety-nine cents ($19.99) in United States currency per calendar month. This amount was determined through extensive market research, competitive analysis, and the application of sophisticated pricing algorithms, just kidding, we basically picked a number that seemed reasonable.

4.3 Automatic Renewal: Subscriptions shall automatically renew on a monthly basis unless cancelled by the Subscriber prior to the renewal date. This automatic renewal feature exists because we, like all subscription services, have discovered that people often forget to cancel things, and we have bills to pay.

4.4 Payment Processing: All payments are processed through Stripe, Inc., a third-party payment processor that handles your financial information with considerably more security than we would be capable of providing ourselves. By subscribing, you also agree to Stripe's terms of service, which are probably just as long as this document but written by actual lawyers.

4.5 Currency and Taxation: All prices are quoted in United States Dollars. You are responsible for any applicable taxes, duties, levies, tariffs, or other governmental charges that may apply based on your jurisdiction of residence, which we are neither qualified nor inclined to calculate for you.

4.6 Price Changes: We reserve the right to modify our pricing at any time, with or without notice, for any reason or no reason at all, though we promise to feel slightly guilty about it if we raise prices significantly.

5. Cancellation Policy, Refund Provisions, and the Inevitable Disappointment

5.1 Right to Cancel: Subscribers may cancel their subscription at any time through their account settings, by contacting our support team, by sending a carrier pigeon to our headquarters, or through any other reasonable method of communication that successfully conveys your intent to discontinue the Service.

5.2 Effect of Cancellation: Upon cancellation, your subscription will remain active until the end of your current billing period. You will continue to receive our daily communications until that time, whether you want them or not. After your subscription ends, you will no longer receive our emails, and you may experience a brief period of relief followed by an inexplicable sense of emptiness.

5.3 Refund Policy: We do not provide refunds for partial months, full months, partial years, full years, or any other period of subscription. Once you have paid for a subscription period, those funds are ours, and we have already spent them on coffee, office supplies, and the occasional frivolous purchase that we will later regret.

5.4 Exceptions to Refund Policy: There are no exceptions to the refund policy. We considered adding some, but then we realized that would create loopholes, and loopholes lead to emails from people asking for refunds, and emails from people asking for refunds lead to us feeling bad, and feeling bad leads to poor productivity, and poor productivity leads to inferior newsletter content, which ultimately harms all subscribers. So really, our strict no-refund policy is for your benefit.

5.5 Cooling-Off Period: Some jurisdictions may provide for a statutory cooling-off period during which you may cancel and receive a refund. If such laws apply to you, we will comply with them, albeit grudgingly and with much bureaucratic foot-dragging.

6. Intellectual Property Rights, Content Ownership, and Creative Attribution

6.1 Our Content: All content provided through the Service, including but not limited to text, graphics, logos, images, audio clips, video clips, data compilations, software, and the selection and arrangement thereof, is owned by Capital Axioms or its licensors and is protected by United States and international copyright, trademark, patent, trade secret, and other intellectual property or proprietary rights laws.

6.2 Limited License: We grant you a limited, non-exclusive, non-transferable, revocable license to access and use the Service for your personal, non-commercial purposes. This means you can read our emails, chuckle at our jokes, and perhaps share a particularly clever observation with a friend, but you cannot republish our content, sell our content, or pretend that you wrote our content.

6.3 Restrictions: You agree not to reproduce, distribute, modify, create derivative works from, publicly display, publicly perform, republish, download, store, or transmit any of our content, except as follows: (a) you may print or download one copy of a reasonable number of pages for your personal, non-commercial use; (b) you may share individual articles via social media using sharing functionality we provide; (c) you may quote brief excerpts for purposes of criticism, comment, or education, with proper attribution.

6.4 Trademarks: Capital Axioms, our logo, and all related names, logos, product and service names, designs, and slogans are trademarks of Capital Axioms. You may not use such marks without our prior written permission. We spent a lot of time coming up with these names and designs, and we would prefer that you not steal them.

6.5 User Feedback: If you provide us with any feedback, suggestions, or ideas regarding the Service, you hereby assign to us all rights in such feedback and agree that we may use it for any purpose without compensation to you. This means if you send us a brilliant idea that makes us millions of dollars, we will say thank you, and that will be the extent of your compensation.

7. Privacy, Data Collection, and the Modern Surveillance Economy

7.1 Information We Collect: When you subscribe to our Service, we collect certain personal information, including your email address, billing information, and any other information you voluntarily provide. We also automatically collect certain technical information about your device and browsing behavior, because that's just what websites do these days.

7.2 How We Use Your Information: We use your information to provide the Service, process payments, communicate with you, improve our offerings, and engage in the various marketing activities that keep the lights on. We do not sell your personal information to third parties, because we find that practice distasteful, and also because your email address probably isn't worth that much anyway.

7.3 Cookies and Tracking: Our website uses cookies and similar tracking technologies to enhance your browsing experience and collect analytical data. You can control cookie settings through your browser, but doing so may affect the functionality of our website, and honestly, we don't really understand how cookies work either.

7.4 Data Security: We implement reasonable security measures to protect your personal information. However, no method of transmission over the Internet or method of electronic storage is 100% secure, and we cannot guarantee absolute security. If our systems are breached and your information is compromised, we will feel very bad about it and will notify you as required by applicable law.

7.5 Third-Party Services: Our Service may contain links to third-party websites or services that are not owned or controlled by us. We have no control over, and assume no responsibility for, the content, privacy policies, or practices of any third-party websites or services. If you click on a link and end up on a sketchy website, that's really not our fault.

7.6 International Data Transfers: If you are accessing the Service from outside the United States, please be aware that your information may be transferred to, stored, and processed in the United States, where data protection laws may be different from those in your country. By using the Service, you consent to such transfers.

7.7 Children's Privacy: Our Service is not intended for children under the age of 18. We do not knowingly collect personal information from children. If you are a parent or guardian and believe that your child has provided us with personal information, please contact us so that we can delete such information. Also, please have a conversation with your child about why they were trying to subscribe to a financial newsletter.

8. Limitation of Liability and the Legal Shield of Vague Language

8.1 General Limitation: TO THE FULLEST EXTENT PERMITTED BY APPLICABLE LAW, CAPITAL AXIOMS SHALL NOT BE LIABLE FOR ANY INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE, OR EXEMPLARY DAMAGES, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO DAMAGES FOR LOSS OF PROFITS, GOODWILL, USE, DATA, OR OTHER INTANGIBLE LOSSES, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER WE HAVE BEEN ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES.

8.2 Specific Exclusions: Without limiting the foregoing, we shall not be liable for: (a) any investment decisions you make based on our content; (b) any trades you execute or fail to execute; (c) any money you lose in the stock market, cryptocurrency market, real estate market, or any other market; (d) any money you lose playing poker, betting on sports, or gambling in any other fashion; (e) any money you lose through theft, fraud, or misplacement; (f) any emotional distress caused by market volatility; (g) any arguments with family members about financial decisions; (h) any sleepless nights spent worrying about your portfolio; (i) any existential crises triggered by contemplation of the arbitrary nature of economic value.

8.3 Maximum Liability: In no event shall our total liability to you for all claims arising out of or relating to the Service exceed the amount you have paid to us in subscription fees during the twelve (12) months preceding the claim. This means that even if we somehow cause you tremendous harm, the most you can recover is about $240, which frankly wouldn't even cover a good lawyer's consultation fee.

8.4 Basis of the Bargain: You acknowledge that we have set our prices and entered into this agreement in reliance upon the limitations of liability and disclaimers set forth herein, and that the same form an essential basis of the bargain between the parties. Without such limitations, we would have to charge significantly more for our Service, and then fewer people would subscribe, and then we would have to get real jobs, and nobody wants that.

9. Indemnification and the Transfer of Risk

You agree to defend, indemnify, and hold harmless Capital Axioms and its officers, directors, employees, agents, licensors, suppliers, and any third-party information providers from and against all losses, expenses, damages, costs, claims, and demands, including reasonable attorneys' fees and related costs and expenses, arising out of or relating to: (a) your use of the Service; (b) your violation of these Terms; (c) your violation of any rights of another party; (d) any content you submit or transmit through the Service; (e) any claims that our advice caused you financial harm, despite our explicit and repeated statements that we do not provide financial advice; (f) any claims arising from your general existence as a market participant.

This indemnification obligation shall survive the termination of these Terms and your use of the Service. We reserve the right to assume the exclusive defense and control of any matter otherwise subject to indemnification by you, in which event you will cooperate with us in asserting any available defenses. You will not settle any claim without our prior written consent.

10. Dispute Resolution, Arbitration, and the Avoidance of Actual Courtrooms

10.1 Informal Resolution: Before filing any formal legal proceedings, you agree to first contact us and attempt to resolve the dispute informally. Most disputes can be resolved through a friendly email exchange, and we promise to respond with our characteristic blend of humor and helpfulness.

10.2 Binding Arbitration: If we cannot resolve the dispute informally, you agree that any dispute, claim, or controversy arising out of or relating to these Terms or the Service shall be resolved exclusively through binding arbitration administered by the American Arbitration Association in accordance with its Commercial Arbitration Rules. The arbitration shall take place in Delaware, unless we mutually agree to a different location.

10.3 Class Action Waiver: YOU AND CAPITAL AXIOMS AGREE THAT EACH MAY BRING CLAIMS AGAINST THE OTHER ONLY IN YOUR OR ITS INDIVIDUAL CAPACITY AND NOT AS A PLAINTIFF OR CLASS MEMBER IN ANY PURPORTED CLASS OR REPRESENTATIVE PROCEEDING. This means you cannot join with other subscribers to sue us collectively, which is probably fine because most of our subscribers seem like reasonable people who wouldn't do that anyway.

10.4 Exceptions: Notwithstanding the foregoing, either party may bring an individual action in small claims court or seek injunctive relief in any court of competent jurisdiction to prevent the actual or threatened infringement, misappropriation, or violation of intellectual property rights.

10.5 Governing Law: These Terms shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of the State of Delaware, without regard to its conflict of law provisions. We chose Delaware because that's where most corporations are incorporated, and we wanted to fit in with the cool kids.

11. Modifications to Terms and the Exercise of Arbitrary Power

We reserve the right to modify these Terms at any time, for any reason, without prior notice. We may change these Terms because of changes in applicable law, changes in our business practices, changes in our mood, or simply because we felt like the previous version wasn't long enough.

If we make material changes to these Terms, we will notify you by posting the updated Terms on our website and/or sending you an email notification. Your continued use of the Service after such modifications constitutes your acceptance of the updated Terms. If you do not agree to the updated Terms, your sole remedy is to discontinue using the Service.

We encourage you to review these Terms periodically for any changes. Changes are effective when they are posted on this page. The "Last updated" date at the top of these Terms indicates when the Terms were last revised. We keep a changelog of all modifications in our internal records, which we will not share with you because it's mostly boring.

12. Electronic Communications and the Death of Paper

By subscribing to our Service, you consent to receive communications from us electronically. We will communicate with you by email or by posting notices on our website. You agree that all agreements, notices, disclosures, and other communications that we provide to you electronically satisfy any legal requirement that such communications be in writing.

You acknowledge that the delivery of email is not instantaneous and may be subject to delays caused by Internet service providers, spam filters, solar flares, mercury retrograde, or the general unreliability of digital infrastructure. We are not responsible for any delays in email delivery.

If you wish to receive paper communications from us, we regret to inform you that this is not an option. We are a digital-first company, and we believe in preserving forests, reducing carbon emissions, and avoiding the hassle of dealing with the postal service.

13. Force Majeure and the Excuse of Circumstances Beyond Our Control

We shall not be liable for any failure or delay in performing our obligations under these Terms if such failure or delay results from circumstances beyond our reasonable control, including but not limited to: acts of God, natural disasters, war, terrorism, riots, embargoes, acts of civil or military authorities, fire, floods, accidents, pandemic, epidemic, strikes, shortages of transportation, facilities, fuel, energy, labor, materials, or equipment, failure of third-party service providers, power outages, Internet outages, alien invasions, zombie apocalypses, robot uprisings, or any other event that we could not reasonably have anticipated or prevented.

In the event of a force majeure event, we will use reasonable efforts to resume performance as soon as practicable, though we make no guarantees about the timeline for such resumption. If a force majeure event continues for more than thirty (30) days, either party may terminate these Terms upon written notice to the other party.

14. Severability and the Survival of the Fittest Clauses

If any provision of these Terms is held by a court of competent jurisdiction to be invalid, illegal, or unenforceable, such provision shall be modified to the minimum extent necessary to make it valid, legal, and enforceable, and the remaining provisions shall continue in full force and effect.

If the invalid, illegal, or unenforceable provision cannot be modified to become valid, legal, and enforceable, such provision shall be severed from these Terms, and the remaining provisions shall continue in full force and effect. We have included so many provisions in these Terms that losing a few of them would barely be noticeable.

The provisions of these Terms that by their nature should survive termination shall survive termination, including but not limited to: intellectual property provisions, disclaimer provisions, limitation of liability provisions, indemnification provisions, and dispute resolution provisions. Basically, all the stuff that protects us will continue to protect us forever.

15. Waiver and the Importance of Consistency

Our failure to enforce any right or provision of these Terms shall not constitute a waiver of such right or provision. If we decide not to enforce a particular provision against you, this does not mean we are waiving our right to enforce that provision against you in the future, or against other subscribers at any time.

Any waiver of any provision of these Terms will be effective only if in writing and signed by an authorized representative of Capital Axioms. Even if we say something that sounds like a waiver in an email, it doesn't count unless it's a formal written waiver. We know this seems unnecessarily bureaucratic, but that's how legal agreements work.

16. Assignment and the Transfer of Obligations

You may not assign or transfer these Terms, or any of your rights or obligations hereunder, without our prior written consent. Any attempted assignment or transfer in violation of this provision shall be null and void.

We may assign or transfer these Terms, or any of our rights or obligations hereunder, at any time without notice or consent. This means that if we sell our company, merge with another company, or otherwise transfer our business, your subscription and these Terms will go with it. We promise that any successor company will be at least as entertaining as we are, though we cannot guarantee it.

17. Entire Agreement and the Exclusion of Prior Understandings

These Terms, together with our Privacy Policy and any other legal notices or agreements published by us on the Service, constitute the entire agreement between you and Capital Axioms regarding your use of the Service and supersede all prior and contemporaneous agreements, representations, and understandings between you and us.

Any promises, representations, or statements made by us or our representatives that are not contained in these Terms shall have no force or effect. This means that if someone from our company told you something different from what's written here, these Terms control. We apologize for any confusion this may cause.

You acknowledge that you have not relied on any statement, promise, representation, or warranty made by us or any third party that is not contained in these Terms, and that you shall have no remedies in respect of any statement, promise, representation, or warranty that is not contained in these Terms.

18. Interpretation and the Resolution of Ambiguity

The headings used in these Terms are for convenience only and shall not affect the interpretation of these Terms. The words "include," "includes," and "including" shall be deemed to be followed by "without limitation." The word "or" is not exclusive. The word "will" shall be construed to have the same meaning as "shall."

These Terms shall be interpreted fairly and not strictly for or against either party, regardless of which party drafted the Terms. The fact that we wrote these Terms does not mean that any ambiguity should be interpreted against us, even though that's typically how contract interpretation works.

References to "days" mean calendar days unless otherwise specified. References to "business days" mean days other than Saturdays, Sundays, and public holidays in the United States. References to monetary amounts mean United States Dollars unless otherwise specified.

19. Contact Information and the Illusion of Accessibility

If you have any questions about these Terms, the Service, your subscription, your life choices, or anything else, you may contact us through the following methods:

Email: We have an email address, which we check periodically.

Website: You can submit a contact form through our website, assuming the form is working.

We will endeavor to respond to your inquiries within a reasonable time frame, though we make no specific commitments about response times. If your inquiry is particularly complex, boring, or clearly just an attempt to get a refund, it may take longer for us to respond.

20. Final Acknowledgments and the Meeting of Minds

By subscribing to Capital Axioms, you acknowledge that you have read, understood, and agree to be bound by these Terms. You further acknowledge that you have had the opportunity to seek independent legal counsel before agreeing to these Terms, even if you chose not to do so because who actually does that for a newsletter subscription.

You acknowledge that our Service is provided "as is" and "as available," and that we make no warranties, express or implied, regarding the Service. You acknowledge that the information provided through the Service is for entertainment and educational purposes only and should not be relied upon for making investment decisions.

You acknowledge that you are solely responsible for your own investment decisions and that any losses you may incur are your own responsibility. You acknowledge that the stock market is inherently risky and that past performance is not indicative of future results. You acknowledge that you should never invest more than you can afford to lose.

You acknowledge that you have a sense of humor and will not take anything we say too seriously. You acknowledge that laughter is the best medicine, except for actual medicine, which is generally more effective at treating medical conditions. You acknowledge that life is short and that worrying about money is often counterproductive.

Finally, you acknowledge that if you've actually read this entire document, you have demonstrated a level of dedication and attention to detail that is truly remarkable, and we commend you for your perseverance. Most people don't read these things, which is why we felt comfortable including this paragraph congratulating you for reading this far.